DaylightPractice · A Kind Word
Writing to yourself the way a friend would
Most of us know what we'd say to a friend who'd had a bad day. We rarely say it to ourselves. This practice asks you to write it down, for seven days.
- CadenceSeven days, gaps allowed
- SessionA few minutes
- Based onLeary et al. (2007); Shapira & Mongrain (2010)
The practice
Think of something from today that went wrong, or that hurt: a mistake at work, a sharp word, something you didn't get done. Write briefly about what happened. Then write what a good friend would say to you about it, someone who knows you well and is on your side.
Think of something that went wrong today, or something that hurt. Write about it in the words a good friend would use to you — someone who knows you and is on your side.
What happened:
What a friend would say:
What “self-compassion” means here
The term comes from the psychologist Kristin Neff, who described it as three things together:
- treating yourself with kindness rather than harsh judgement;
- seeing a setback as part of common humanity, something everyone goes through, rather than proof that something is uniquely wrong with you;
- holding the painful feeling in mindful awareness, noticing it without either pushing it away or being swept up in it.
It isn't the same as letting yourself off the hook. The research on this point is useful.
The research
In a set of five studies published in 2007, Mark Leary and colleagues looked at how people respond to unpleasant events that reflect badly on them. In one study, participants recalled a past failure and then wrote about it following instructions that encouraged kindness, common humanity or mindfulness. They reported less negative feeling afterwards than participants in the comparison conditions. They also didn't take less responsibility for what had happened. Self-compassion went along with owning the mistake, not with excusing it.
In 2010, Leah Shapira and Myriam Mongrain tested a practical version online. For seven days, participants wrote a short letter to themselves each day about something distressing, from the point of view of a compassionate friend. Compared with a control group who wrote about early memories, this group reported fewer depressive symptoms over the following three months and higher happiness over six months.
Daylight follows the Shapira and Mongrain shape: one short piece of writing a day, for seven days. Gaps are allowed, and the run is complete once seven entries are written.
If it feels awkward
It often does at first, especially if you're used to being hard on yourself. A few things can make it easier:
- Picture a specific friend and use their tone, even their phrases.
- Keep it short. Two or three sentences are enough.
- Include the “common humanity” part: anyone in that situation might have…
A note on the evidence. The 2010 study recruited its participants online, and the effects were measured with questionnaires. Later studies of self-compassion exercises have varied in how much they found. Daylight gives you the method as it was tested and tells you where it came from. It can't promise how it will feel for you.
Sources
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
- Leary, M. R., Tate, E. B., Adams, C. E., Allen, A. B., & Hancock, J. (2007). Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: The implications of treating oneself kindly. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(5), 887–904.
- Shapira, L. B., & Mongrain, M. (2010). The benefits of self-compassion and optimism exercises for individuals vulnerable to depression. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 5(5), 377–389.